I never thought that writing a blog would become my way of pouring out my heart because I used to do this in my diaries. But now, I understand why some people choose to tell their stories through blogging, especially to tell the sorrow.
I think it's a form of desperate call to be heard, to be seen, to be understood from those who yearn for companionship, who are tired of the deafening silence.
I never imagined serenity would be this quiet. During the pandemic, I enjoyed all the shift, as I believe I'm an introvert person so I handled it quite well. But for the last 13 months, I've felt my world crumble, I have nothing I'm proud of, no one to crack a joke with and no one to share even the smallest story of this mundane life.
Maybe, if I were gone tomorrow, the only person who would be sad is my father. And I stay, because of him.
I know that over the past couple of months, I've isolated myself because I lost trust in people. The last person I loved lied to me for the whole relationship, some friends covered for him, and the closest friend of mine not only hid his lies, she also dragged me into the mud of misery by planting seeds of self-doubt, telling me that I was too harsh on him for confronting his lies, I was too brutal for leaving him despite his lies, all while giving me unwanted updates about the deceiver prick's life, and when I got hurt, she told me that my pain was not that bad as if she hadn't been complicit in all the chaos. And that wasn't all.
Knowing him was a terrible mistake, instead of having relationship with a man that I thought he was, it's more like dating a gang of bullies. It was not a normal breakup. Yet, these so called "friends" still dared to tease me for being sad after everything.
But I don't want anyone to pity me. I prefer to be like this rather than be around insincere person who could stab me in the back again.
Life indeed has much simpler without anyone. But one to three would brighten my life, simply to chat with or laugh at the absurdity of life.
So please, myself, bear with me during this storm.
