A sorrow times

 I never thought that writing a blog would become a way of pouring out my heart because I used to do this in my diaries. But now, I understand why some people choose to tell their stories through blogging, especially to tell the sorrow. 

I think it's a form of desperate call to be heard, to be seen, to be understood from those who yearn for companionship, who are tired of the deafening silence.

I never imagined serenity would be this quiet. During the pandemic, I enjoyed all the shift, as I believe I'm an introvert person so I handled it quite well. But for the last 13 months, I've felt my world crumble, I have nothing I'm proud of, no one to crack a joke with and no one to share even the smallest story of this mundane life.

Maybe, if I were gone tomorrow, the only person who would be sad is my father. And I stay, because of him.

I know that over the past couple of months, I've isolated myself because I lost trust in people. The last person I loved lied to me for the whole relationship, some friends covered for him, and the closest friend of mine not only hid his lies, she also dragged me into the mud of misery by planting seeds of self-doubt, telling me that I was too harsh on him for confronting his lies, I was too brutal for leaving him despite his lies, all while giving me unwanted updates about the deceiver prick's life, and when I got hurt, she told me that my pain was not that bad as if she hadn't been complicit in all the chaos. And that wasn't all.

Knowing him was a terrible mistake, instead of having relationship with a man that I thought he was, it's more like dating a gang of bullies. It was not a normal breakup. Yet, these so called "friends" still dared to tease me for being sad after everything.

But I don't want anyone to pity me. I prefer to be like this rather than be around insincere person who could stab me in the back again.

Life indeed has much simpler without anyone. But one to three would brighten my life, simply to chat with or laugh at the absurdity of life.

So please, myself, bear with me during this storm.

Just learned

 I just learned that sometimes, even though I treated people with compassion they did otherwise 

I want to keep my faith in people that everyone deserves compassion. Maybe next time, dont give them twice if they hurt me in my first compassionate act.

Just simply leave them to do whatever they wanna do. 

I'll get back on track

And after all the tears, heartbreaks, feelings of betrayal, and sleepless nights, I can hold my head up high and smile again.

Baru sadar...

Baru sadar ternyata menjadi dewasa tuh begini ya, harus banyak legowonya dan nggak menyalahkan diri sendiri.

Sebelum usia 30, aku percaya: if I do my best, I'll get the best outcome. Tapi yaaa namanya hidup, usaha kadang mengkhianati hasil. Apalah kita cuma manusia yang berusaha, tuhan yang menentukan.

Kayaknya semangatku di usia 20an sudah pudar karena sekarang kepalanya 3. Dulu aku selalu merasa masih umur 26 karena di umur itu aku sedang semangat kerja dan ambil kegiatan tambahan.

Dan semua itu terbayar dengaaaaan: boyok tugel hahahaha. Kaya enggak, sakit pinggang iya.

Aku sekarang suka ketawa kalau mengingat cara pikirku dulu bahwa hidup itu seperti game, mau gimana caranya harus berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk mendapat yang kita mau. Kalo gagal ya tinggal direstart hahaha

Tapi capek ah lama-lama kalo harus berusaha terus. Sekali-kali mau menjalani hidup monoton aja. Lakoni ae sik iso dilakoni, nek rejeki mengko yo gusti mesti ngekei.

Semangat menjalani kepala 3 teman-temanku semuaaa~

*Anyway, gara-gara nyasar ke blog mbak2 pencinta diving, aku jadi terinspirasi buat ngeblog lagi. Makasih mbak2 pencinta diving yang tulisannya lucu dan hidupnya menariiik